Sometimes as a person with BPD, I catch myself doing a number of things that most people wouldn’t understand. Honestly, most people probably assume that I am either crazy or wildly eccentric, due to the quirks caused by my disorder.
If you suffer from BPD, then I am sure it is already clear to you that every aspect of our disorder makes human interaction almost impossible. Why? Well, for me, it can affect the way in which I relate to other people and the world around me, due to the issues I have with interpersonal relationships.
While most people either think I am an asshole, or a weirdo, I am not. Instead, I am just absolutely on edge, and for the most part, I am terrified of people.
1. I Can Sense When People Are Upset and It Scares Me
I may jump back when someone yells at another person, or even try to hide when a fight begins, because I am absolutely terrified of intense emotion. Why? Well, because I know where it leads.
2. I Am Always Waiting for Someone to Show Me They Will Leave
No matter how hard people try to show me they aren’t going anywhere, I am terrified they will leave me.
3. Break Out in a Tantrum Over Something Small
While it may seem small to everyone around me, even the slightest thing can set me off. And once I have been set off, there is no turning back.
4. Freak Out At Even the Slightest Sign of Stress
From my tire being flat, to the door not unlocking quickly enough, even the tiniest bit of something stressful can overwhelm me to the point of not leaving my house for the day.
5. I Am SOOOOO Forgetful
Sometimes, when people talk to me, I disassociate. It doesn’t matter how much I wanted to hear what they said, and truly be there, my ego has tucked the real me away somewhere else, and It’s as though I am on autopilot.
6. I Over Apologize
I don’t want people to ever grow to be upset with me. I know that can never lead me down a good road, so instead, I am constantly trying to people please. If I mess up, I will say I am sorry a million times.
7. I Am Paranoid
When I am around people, I am constantly in fear of them, or people in the backdrop. Even if I am not afraid they will hurt me, I am worried what they will think of me. Can they tell I am crazy?
8. I Confuse People With My Different Moods
One moment, I am peppy, outgoing, fun and the life of the party. In the next, I am shy, quiet, and it’s as though I am a different person. People get quite confused!
9. My Black and White Thinking
When I am aggravated with someone I love, they can seem like a monster in my mind. Whatever they did, if it hurt me, or made me feel on guard, I immediately put them in the “bad” category of my mind due to splitting. Unfortunately, many people assume I am nuts for this.
10. My Addictive Personality
Due to my addictive personality, I may binge eat, binge drink, or indulge in drugs that I shouldn’t. While I know that I shouldn’t do it, sometimes I would do anything to not be me.
11. I Get Lost In My Own Mind
As yet another symptom of disassociation, sometimes, I can get lost inside of my own mind. And I might even sit there, lost somewhere inside of my mind, and when people say something to me, I look at them as though I was literally somewhere else.
12. I Perceive That Everyone Is Mad At Me
The smallest comment or glance my way can make me feel as though someone is angry with me.
13. My Impulsive Ways
I can go from reserved to “Let’s spend every cent in my account on funky hair colors!” at a moments notice.
14. Changing My Persona
One day, I might be laid back hippie girl, and the next, I am in all black. I swap from persona to persona.
15. I Am a Different Person Around Each Person I Meet
As yet another identity issue with my BPD, sometimes I find myself changing who I am to impress other people. I am like a chameleon sometimes.
16. I Ask a Million Questions Because of My Fear Of Failure
I will ask questions I even know the answer to, because I don’t want to be a failure.
17. I Am Terrified Of Being Alone
When I am alone, I get manic and crazy. I will drink to numb the pain, or text someone over and over.
18. I Self Sabotage
When things are going good, I will ruin it. I don’t truly understand why, maybe it’s because I am afraid of something good happening and then something bad following.
19. I Am Indecisive
One day I may be gung-ho on an idea, and the next, I have changed my opinion.
20. Constantly Asking for Reassurance
I may ask my boyfriend a million times a day, “Do you love me?”