Because of something that I did not choose, I feel like everyone around me is going to leave me. Well, I think they would if they could.
If my family had the option would they just walk away? I know right now it isn’t that easy, but is that what they really want to do? Why can’t I just fix myself?
Everything I do and all I am is defined by one thing that I ‘have.’ One seven letter word changes me into someone that isn’t who I really am. Anxiety, my anxiety is not who I am but it will make you think that it is. It doesn’t care about my feelings, or maybe it cares too much…
It is that second or third text I have to send to make sure you don’t misunderstand what I am trying to say. It is that call, the one that goes straight to voicemail. It is that accidental tone you didn’t mean to use and even the conversation that you may question having, even now. It’s not being able to order food at the drive-thru even though you’ve done it a million times.
Anxiety is looking at everyone around you and wondering when they’re going to leave you. And it’s overthinking everything and doubting yourself each and every day. It’s a waiting game of who will be here tomorrow and who will not.
When it comes to dealing with anxiety I will admit some days I am fine. Some days I wake up and that negative energy that was holding me back has gone away. Those are the days that keep me going. That is what helps me make it through all of this. Being trapped inside your own mind like Rapunzel trapped inside her tower, except no matter how handsome the prince is, there is no hope for me.
I push people away. I feel guilty for asking for help and I need someone to be permanent. My mind tells me day in and day out that I am not good enough for those who care for me. I don’t want to believe it, but I do. I didn’t choose this, so why would anyone choose me?
I care too much and too little all at the same time. I can’t believe that the people who care for me are here because they want to be. Maybe they feel guilty or maybe they pity me? Maybe they are just waiting for the right moment to leave?
My anxiety holds me hostage, most days, and there is no escaping it. No matter how many times you remind me that you love me I will still question it, but I want you to stay. I appreciate you so much and I am terrified of the idea of you leaving my side. I will tell you how important you are from time to time but it will never be enough. I hope you understand on some level just how much you really mean to me. When I say you are my rock I really mean it. You are the life jacket that keeps me above water in this ocean, and without you, I cannot swim.