This is something I have struggled with for years and still have a hard time with. I seem to have everything together on the outside, but the truth is, on the inside I am a mess.
The more I speak the more I overthink and I am a mess. I second-guess everything and have a lot of trouble verbalizing my true thoughts. Just because I am excited to talk about something does not mean it comes easy for me. I like to go out and do things, but I also hate to go out and do things.
I love seeing my friends and having fun but I hate walking by strangers or god forbid talk to them. I can’t help but let my mind wander to where it wants to go. I am a ball of nervousness. While I do tend to look at the bright-side of things more often than not I still feel that storm well on its way in the distance. Simple things will set me off and I won’t be able to deal with it.
I am forever walking a tightrope hoping I do not fall. Sure the view is great from up here but it is also terrifying. I am my own worst enemy and there is nothing I can do about it. I know I have all of these great qualities hidden under my anxiety but they refuse to come out. I love talking and hate talking at the same time. I am scared.
This is all in my head and yet it holds me back so severely. I can do this but I can’t. I will be okay but I won’t. Always arguing with my insides. I am always on edge even when I look relaxed. You may think I have no worries but the truth is I worry about everything. I may seem flawless but I am all flaws.
I want to be there for all the social gatherings but I also want to sit in the corner alone and not talk to anyone. It is hard for me to jump into the action even when I do. I battle myself to be able to and sometimes I win. I yearn for company only to shut it out but I am used to it.
I get nervous even talking through text as strange as it sounds. My nerves get the best of me waiting for a reply and even as I am typing things out. This is me whether I like it or not. I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I wish I could pick and choose my best and worst qualities, only keeping the ones I like but I cannot.
My anxiety is real and this is who I am. You may not understand it or me. because who I am contradicts who I want to be but that is okay. One day I will realize that I am enough as I am. People will realize how special I am and I will be happy. Don’t think that just because someone is in the spotlight they aren’t feeling anxiety. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.